if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
