My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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