i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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