my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
