Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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