he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
