you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'd cum for enchiladas.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
