Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
