Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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