when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
