nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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