The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
