In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I need a burrito and a hug.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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