Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
