$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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