Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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