ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
