quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
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