You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
