No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
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