I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
