god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
