I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
