can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
