Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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