He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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