I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
