I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
