i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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