I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
