Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
