Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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