We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i just google imaged poop.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
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