WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
