My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Who died my cat blue again?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
