it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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