youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I think my moral compass just broke
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