i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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