chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
