i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
