I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Randomize
