I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
