i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
no you cant smoke seaweed
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
