literally had 100 drinks last night.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
