i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Even my vagina gasped.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
