Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
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We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
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Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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