My nipple is on Facebook.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
