suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
