I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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