i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
