Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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