My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Randomize
