i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
