I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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