Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
