ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
