I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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