Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
