Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
