took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
