I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
