someone threw a dead crab at me
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
