Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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