And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
