so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
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I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
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Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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